3:39AM

I watched this youtube video the other day, and it got me thinking about how I react to the transience in life. I became familiar with this concept when I was about six years old, when my great grandmother had passed away. This was the first time in life I had dealt with the loss of a loved one, and it was a tough situation to go through. For the first time in my life I had the realization that existence is temporary. 

One day I am being forced to give my great grandmother a hug, and the next she was gone. 

I did not like getting too close to her as I was unable to comprehend that her old age was the cause for her inability to speak or walk - all I knew at the time was that it scared me.  Interestingly enough, this was also one of my first regrets in life. I remember sitting in my room after finding out about her death; the only thing I could think about was how I hated letting her get close to me.  I cried so much after that, not because she was gone per-say, but because I had not made the most of the time we had together. 

It seems that this regret is one that I have maintained throughout much of my life.  Instead of taking the interim of life concept and adjusting my behavior to make the most of these moments, I have used it to do the opposite. 

My life is now a balance between wanting to let people and experiences in, while simultaneously keeping them at an arms length.  I allow people into my life only enough to see the peripheral parts of who I am - reserved, sometimes witty, sometimes smart - never open, never emotional. Whenever I think that someone gets too close I pull back. What that often means is that I spend less time with them, I talk to them less, and try to seem less interested. I do my best to disconnect myself emotionally and move on before they get the chance to. 

I can admit this is a defense mechanism, but thus far in life I think it has worked for the best. Especially now at this time in my life, where friends come and go in this transitory college town, I find keeping myself detached to be for the best. There have been a few times when I let people in more than I should have, but I am always reminded of why this is bad when they transfer colleges or find jobs halfway across the country.  

Sometimes I still feel the same pangs of regret when I let someone slip away quietly, but what else can I do?